I am still here, I come on the computer daily as per usual. I have not devoted myself to any particular project lately. Even the novel I'm writing has been neglected for well over a week. It's not that I don't want it to be finished, it's just that working on anything seems like too much.

I very seldom "search" for myself. I know who I am and I usually know pretty well what I want, but I'm wondering these days what is best for me. A job would be great in terms of money, but I do not feel ready for a job at all. I'm in too much of a great need for a proper therapy.

Speaking of therapy, my group therapy is going well...so much as it can go well after only two meetings attended! The first meeting was three weeks ago, on Tuesday morning (it is always on Tuesday morning). I arrived early. I don't usually arrive early at appointments, but I wanted to because I never attended group therapy. The process had been explained to me a little before (at my request), but I was still nervous as to how it was to go. I was mostly nervous because I didn't know anyone there. There are two therapists. I had already seen one of them, but only once, and never the other. I don't even remember meeting her in the corridors. There is also an girl doing an internship. She seems nice, she's barely over my age, but I think she is talking to us a bit too much the way you talk to children.

I am 19 and I am the youngest person there. The three other people doing the therapy are over 40 of age (one is actually over 50). I feel out of place. They are all talking about their family (that is, their children and wife/boyfriend/ex), and I'm there with my youth and all of life ahead of me. That is, if I don't die next week or something.

During the first hour, we do things on our own. As I'm new, I have to search through magazines for images I like and images I don't like. They have to be pictures that "mean" something to me. I'm done now, so next week we'll be talking about them (myself and one of the therapists) so they can get to know me and my problems better. I'm looking forward to moving on to the next activities.

There are some logic puzzles and the kind to help you make your brain work. They also can provide us with various information on our problems and how to deal with them. The dealing part is the one I'm most looking forward to. I don't need to do some sudoku there to know that I'm smart.

During the second and last hour, we all sit together around a large sheet. On the sheet, each of us draws something related to a specific theme chosen by the group members. We then discuss our drawing and that of others. This week's theme is "How do I believe that others perceive me". It is no time to bombard me with "ZOMG BUT WE DUN CARE ABOUT WHUT OTHERS THINK1!!1!!" You don't care, I do. I have to learn to deal with it and so do the other members of the group. We are crazy, after all.

Death Proof sucks.

"OMG! Death Proof is one of the best movies eva and if you don't like it, it's because you are way too deep into crappy popular movies made in Hollywood! You're an idiot and can't get movies!11!11!!1!!" (continue inserting various statements from Tarantino die-hard fans until saturated)

The dialogue in the beginning is boring as hell. I don't care that it's "sooo realistic". It's fucking boring. It's way too long. I don't mind people talking in movies, but I want them to say something interesting. Like "Groovy".

The fucking scratches in the beginning suck. "Let's be all retro and make an hommage to old movies. Well it's annoying. I like many old movies, but it's not for their scratches. It just gets on my nerves here.

I could rant on and on. But your movie sucks. Stop being so pretentious. "Quarantino makes movies that are devoted to older movies, which they often reference. He is straying away from mainstream" and the crap continues.

I think that Tarantino is too deep into style. Come back with a story, please. Let's say Pulp Fiction. PF was good. But this one was bad.

Might be continued.

*pokes*

Do you think it's still alive?

Well, I don't know...It's not moving...Could be dead, but could be sleeping too, or something like that.

I'm afraid it's still alive...It could, like, attack us, you know!

Come on, idiot, it's just a LiveJournal. LJs aren't predators!



This conversation woke me up and then I found myself logged into an LJ account. My my my, what is happening? This butterfly thingy...that username...but...but...It is MY account!



Enough of stupidity. I am here, alive. I'm a little bored of internet life at the moment. Nothing serious, no crisis going on, just bored, like everyone gets once in a while.

My trip to my parents' place was mostly boring, sometimes annoying, with rare moments of fun. Nothing exciting to tell until I feel like ranting about the event that was taking place in our village.

The weather these days is horrible. It's very hot and humid. It was more fresh for most of August but September brought back...this. I hate humidity. It triggers obsession.

I need to get back to my writing. Not in this instant, but after watching one or two more Dexter episodes.

I watched the first season of Doctor Who on Tuesday and Wednesday (or maybe one day later), and I'm just past half the first season of Dexter. Well, second season hasn't aired yet anyway. Whatmakes uthinkmy roommatemade uswatchthe twoleaked episodes?

I'm currently at my parents' home. I'm bored to death for lack of anything to do. I have brought the Nintendo DS, though, so I guess I could play.

I arrived earlier today with my aunt and my godmother. The trip exhausted me, partly because I hadn't slept well and partly because my aunt annoys me deeply. She keeps on rambling about New Age crap. She is gullible when it comes to spirituality. Or pretty much anything, for that matter.

In the past week or so, I pretty much always woke up with my right arm numb. As a few minutes pass by after I woke up, it becomes painful, mostly around my hand. It's always only the right arm. I am not conscious at all of placing the rest of my body weight on top of my arm (which could cause numbness). I tend to fall asleep with my arms rather far from my body (well, as much as is possible considering they are pretty much attached to it). I'll have to speak to a doctor or something. Not that seeing a doctor is easy for me at the moment.

The two last posts, although they spoke of some tastes and opinions of mine, didn't really concern my whereabouts, so here I come with an update.

I am now rather single. I use "rather", because my situation is not quite clear. Eric still loves me deeply. I am infatuated by his best friend, whose name is very similar to mine.

I had an appointment yesterday. My therapist found something on myself which I had never realized, but that I must say is true. I am always seraching to live "big" emotions.

I seek for grandeur, for applause, for extraordinary love, for accomplishments beyond your wildest dreams, for success above all I could imagine. When I love, I imagine us as being the greatest couple ever, so wonderfully fitting together, worthy of everyone's jealousy and admiration.

It made me understand one of the reasons for which I am no longer in a couple. While my feelings are quite far from hatred and while I still trust and like Eric very much, we are no longer an extraordinary couple.

Am I bored?

P.S. Unrelated to the above, I should be going to my parents' home this weekend. Without Eric, and perhaps with my arch-nemesis (that is my cat),

Here I go with my List of Things To Do To And With Your Computer To Help The Environment.

Keep your computer shut down as much as possible. 
I doubt this will ever be too much said. If you are leaving for more than a few hours, shut it down. Shut it down at night, it also cuts down on the noise. Shut it down when you're going to work. Shut it down when you're leaving on vacation.

It also works the other way around: don't turn on your computer for something silly like checking the weather. For weather predictions, watch television. It takes much less energy.

Don't use a screen saver.
Screen savers are said to, well, save your screen. Have you ever listened to the sound your compuer makes while it's running the screen saver? These things are PROGRAMS, they use up energy. While you're supposedly helping your screen, you're making your computer work very hard. It has to keep in memory every program you were already running in addition to this other one, which is heavy in images.

Instead, simply shut down the screen. Press the little button and voilà, you're done! With a laptop, you should be able to simply close it without turning it off. As for Macs, I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I do believe they have good methods of saving energy when you are away.

Save on the printing!
You are much better with a few more MBs in use than with a few more hundreds of printed pages. I remember that, in my first days of the internet, I would print out interesting things I would find. I now know it's rather pointless! If you meet an interesting webpage, bookmark it and return to it to read more. (*hinthint*) If you are afraid the page will disappear (e.g. on a rather old website), you can save it on your computer (this should be under the File menu). You will then be able to view it from your computer, even without the internet. Note that you only save the page and whatever images are found on it, not the sites it links to!

Instead of sending out mass mail, use mass email. It's quite economic and, in many domains, people are expected to be able to use their email address and, really, they should. There are tons of free email services.

I might add more as I think of some more. As per usual, I was composing this instead of falling asleep, so I forgot some things I wanted to say, but these three tips are already quite useful.

If you don't care about the environment, then think that these can also help you save on your electricity bill!

I will be making at least two posts in a row. I want to separate them because they are of unrelated subjects (and one might very well eventually be turned into an article or something).

So here I come with the meal I wish I could have right now.

Entree: a salad ceasar.
It would contain lettuce (duh!), parmesand AND mozzarella cheese, garlic flavored (crumbs? what's the English name for these dry bread bits?) and bacon.

Main dish: varied seafood.
I would find some way of having shrimp and smoked salmon.

First dessert: ice cream.
Not just any ice cream. I lovely mountain of vanilla ice cream topped with chocolate sauce, but dipping in strawberry sauce (found at the bottom of the cup).

Second dessert: fruit salad.
A delicious homemade fruit salad, containing kiwis, various berries and bananas.

Digestif: Port Wine.

Total calories: too many.

I guess I'll have to live with the salad ceasar I've just eaten and the frozen shrimp dish in the freezer.

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Well, actually, there were no rumors whatsoever. Nobody cares if I disappear from the surface of the internet (I'm sure some people out there would be jealous).

I turned 19 on the 18. It doesn't really matter to me, I often forget and think I'm still 18. Perhaps it's partly because there has not yet been any actual celebration for me, no birthday "party".

I spend most of my time playing video games (I have interrupted Final Fantasy IX and play Resident Evil 4) or writing my novel. I'm much of a loner these days and have lost interest in most of my web activities. Even on Snark, I have nearly stopped posting.

My roomate annoys me. Go away. Go, go. It's time to work.

The world will never be the same without this tail-less wonder.

I am not anorexic myself. While I have everyone's occasional "Mhm, I should lose weight" thought, I am far from anorexia.

On Disaster MB is/was going on a debate on anorexia. A certain person argues that anorexia is a choice, that people actually choose to become anorexic. Yeah, right. Let me tell you about a friend of mine.

She is a little taller than me, somewhere around 5 feet 7, I guess. She weighs below 100 pounds, but I'm not sure how much. Did she choose to be anorexic? Absolutely not. Idiot.

She is often worried of the impression she makes on people. She is afraid that people will not like her. It is not limited only to her appearance, it spreads to everything. She fears they will dislike her, find her annoying, etc. When it comes to appearance, her vision is distorted. It is absolutely not a question of reasoning to reach a conclusion. She believes that I am thin, whereas I am shorter than her and over 15 pounds heavier.

She considers herself terribly fat and disgusting. She often refuses to eat bread and pasta because she is sure they will make her grow fatter. She counts the calories she eats in a day (I believe she has stopped on request of her dietist). It is obsessive. The guy on Disaster said that there's nothing wrong with thinking constantly about that sort of thing.

WHAT?

Obsession is not normal. It is "wrong" (not in the sense of OMG u bad gurl!1!) to be obsessed over your weight, your food, etc. A good sign of obsession is the presence of numbers: counting your calories, setting yourself a goal to a certain weight, etc. My friend was told by her doctor that she should weigh between 115 and 120 pounds to be healthy. She agreed to go up to 115 pounds, but the number 120 scares her. She finds it too high. Of course, there is only a difference of 5 pounds between the two weights, but the number itself is some sort of Mark of Doom. Do not approach!

Much like I hate the number 13. I don't let my post count on forums end in 13, 73 or 93. I strongly dislike having one such number as the total of fanlistings I have joined, or the fanlistings I joined in a specific category. I hate when my Final Fantasy characters reach that level, and I hurry up taking them to level 14. Do you consider it "normal"? Sane? Is it correct that a person spends so much time worrying about that number? No, it is not. I need help, so do anorexic people.